After Midnight Thoughts.

Cans of beer  and cigarettes on the table .. clothes are thrown left and right  near by …I need to change the sheets sometime  .. The studio was like  a brothel  yeah a brothel …Friday night one and the same

– Are we going anywhere today;

nowhere…I think i will stay home.. I’m bored to go out….and  i don’t want  to see anyone.. I already felt the dizziness from the beers and because i don’t like to drive when i drink ..I better stay in today…Is one of those times that i don’t feel like to go out and meet any cunt..
or go to any of my fuckbuddys damn it…fortunately some of those  work evenings so  I can go all by myself and have a drink…good times….I don’t know how many of you have done something like that…but is definitely a good times ….i met most of my women like that…I go to the pub and sit in a corner at the bar…i get a sad look-and the concept is ready.. Beside that the women come to you, is very relaxing,and you have a little talk with yourself .But today i will stay in .. we don’t fuck today sir we close… in this days  we get fuck by others and we  have taken a passive role  we may like it at the end..

Lately i have the feeling that i’m the  protagonist  in an orgy… fuck fuck and more fuck …they make my life a living hell …Mercury retrograde I have not explained otherwise ..I can not explain why I have been so weird, I blame everyone and everything …I want to go out and scream ..

«Why don’t you come…..why don’t you come when i want you so….. of my life as a sacred soul my brothel being a bridge to go and  comes «…

I want to go out and scream  with all the power of my voice, to make all the neighbors to come out and look at me, some asshole will call  the police to come and get me.. but I want to get out and scream:

I want to scream  and she will come ..  come .. I know those things i’m talking about don’t happen ,but I want her to come…To be  like a fairy tale as something magical .. to see her at the end of the road coming ..To approached me slowly and to caress me.. To make me calm down to give me a hug ..To lean my hand on her neck and feel her vein goes up and down to every breath she takes …to touches my lips on her shoulder and kissed her tenderly .. Feel her skin so soft and smooth that  trembling in every caress of her..

Why don’t you come, why don’t you come?

How selfish it is to want such a creature to come and get you out of your life’s  brothel ..Selfish isn’t ? Like the washing machine you never mix the white with the dark because in the end everything will go black ..How do you want then something so pure to come to you? You don’t deserve it my friend you don’t deserve it ..And yet they say that opposites attract,

– bowshit! I have met many hookers like me.. And I’m a whore also ..A drunk whore .. So why ask something that you don’t deserve? So why ask for something which I have not the picture in my mind?And yet – I want her to come .. I also want to become a  child again just for a little .I want to feel a female hug, to get lost inside her without thinking if someone sees me and spoil my prestige ,get lost inside her and cry like a baby… get lost just for a moment to feel calm …to feel clean and to feel like a little kid, pure, cleanly – And then I want her to leave .. To go away before my blackness  water her skin before my blackness  could touch her,listening the song of Malama’s I realize that in my life there is no one to come ..And perhaps what is worse,is to hear a song that touches  so much and not being able to transform it into a small image inside my mind  .. And there I blame myself for everything,  for always lived in only what he saw.

Eventually being insensitive to all of these situations has its price .. Losing the real reason for a relationship -that is love. And there I think, but there is no love, whom am i kidding .. And I’m starting to get confused ..And to assemble again.. to think how many women I have met and giggle and say I’ve done a feat ..

Really how many real women i actually met?

.. Maybe none.

I do not think I asked for something else besides sex. Well, of course, you see the  shit I did .. I lost the best. True ,but what is the best?

There is no love.

No there is not.

When playing the role of third in many relationships  you  debunk them all -and now what? What do you do in those moments  when you need a little love? When you want this unique figure to come and be a bridge to your life and your soul, make you feel the magic of being a human -what are you doing? I don’t know i guess these moments you hold them  within you ..

And all these together are cumulative, it is a box into which you put them all and fill fill, fill-and woe to him who does not ever open it, and woe to him who has stopped believing in fairy tales.

Translated by

Staury Papadopoulou

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